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Vanessa Lauren

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[25 Apr 2012|03:59pm]
Good god. People are immensely frustrating and I can't stand it. I'm tired and I want to go home but even when I want to go home I want to be somewhere else. Even when I'm somewhere else I want to be somewhere else. I want random ass scary people to NOT talk to me or look at me ever again. I want to never be in a relationship again.... love is such nonsense and I am NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO BE DRAMATIC. No matter what I say, though, people usually take it the wrong way, so I'd pretty much rather say nothing at all and I AM NOT SAYING THAT TO BE DRAMATIC EITHER, GOD DAMMIT. Becoming quieter is NOT A BAD THING. It's not like I don't know how to talk to people or relate to them, I just don't want to bother because I've realized it's pointless and an endless war game, an endless battle you won't ever be able to win, honestly, does anyone really fucking think that everything always ends up perfectly? In your stupid fucking hippie dippie lala ga ga dreams. Fuck other people. Fuck relationships. They drag me into trouble, they make me feel like a lame ass, they exhaust me, they don't give me what I want or need, make me feel like a prisoner. If I said this anywhere public I'd get judged to the very end, which further proves my point that people can't shut their fucking mouths about anythign and let someone feel the way they want to feel about something, even if it's just plain done/fed up/etc. I'm tired of "public" places on the internet too like facebook and whatnot for this reason as well because if I say just about anything people take it the wrong way lately and get on my case about a percieved "complaint". For example, 2 days ago, all I said was "SHUT UP BRAIN!!!" and I was trying to make light/light hearted humor based on the fact that my brain goes in circles about every single problem I have, NOT trying to start any drama or talk about my problems. It drove me INSANE that every single god damn person had to get in my FUCKING business and start giving me a "talk" about what I should be doing. Sure, tahnks for the support and wisdom, but I did NOT ask for it. Oh and I was told I was "complaining loudly about problems and not doing anything about it" and god dammit, that WASN'T the case! as always, I am doing what I can to SURVIVE at these moments of turmoil, and ALL I ask for right now is a little bit of FUCKING privacy, not SYMPTATHY, so help me god. /endrant
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[06 Mar 2012|03:53am]
"mainsqueeze" is out of jail and we talked for atleast an hour. holy fucking disbelief. i can't even believe this is happening. i dreamt about it on and off for months. 2 or 3 days ago i posted on his wall not really thinking about it, just saying hi and xoxo and he sent a message today just as i was about to message him becasue i saw that he accepted my friend request. i have a funny feeling he's going to run off and act stupid again so i'm not even really letting it concern me, but it is still a pretty big deal and if he's anything like me, which will prove itself over time, he'll hold out for when i come back to the city so we can be mainsqueezes again? though i'm not really sure if it's ideal and i'm not really sure if i'll have time for him, and i'm not even sure what i'll be doing when i get there, not sure of this not sure of that not sure of ANYTHING. i'm okay with that though. whatever happens is clearly bound to. there's no real setups for sadness since he's over there and i'm over here and i'm not largely focused on squeezing, though thoughts of the past do tend to haunt me a lot. ideally i'd like to be doing something productive but i'm feeling fat and lazy today. i just wish he'd stay away from those creeps. i wish he'd get better friends besides the ones we have in common. all they do is sit around and do drugs and talk about things i don't care about. but i've never been a good group conversationalist anyway... so i told him when i see him i want our interactions to be 1 on 1.

what the fuck, i really wasn't expecting this. but i did say to myself months ago when this happened (5 months ago) that if it was meant to be, he'd get out of there eventually and we'd re-unite. it happened. this is ridiculous.

it sucks that i'm all the way out here now when all the action is happening. and then when i get back there i ahve to knuckle down and get serious. is this just a setup for me to miss out on some possibly exciting weird times or what?
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Writer's Block: Say What? [06 Mar 2012|03:43am]
What is the weirdest question you’ve ever been asked?

I get asked weird questions all the time, I can't even think of a specific time.
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Rejection [03 Mar 2012|06:39pm]
Confidence has lately been low, and I wake up every day depressed... and when I'm sleeping, dreaming.... it feels as though I can't escape my dreams. Not really as though they're something to be feared, but like I'm trapped in a dream world and can't get out of it. Sort of like it's hard to wake up, but not for any particularly dreaded reason, just maybe that there's nothing to wake up for, so life doesn't seem like it's worth it. I don't think my friends/associates/whateveryou'dliketocallthem think I'm being serious when I'm really reaching out for some kind of support, validation, recognition I'm still alive, yet when I'm not being serious, it's appreciated, but I don't know.... I don't feel as though I'm getting what I need... out of life, relationships, whatever else.

I thought about learning how to drive today. I don't know how this would work out, but if I'm giong to be stuck in Amherst, there's a spare car that is my brother's, that he doesn't use on the weekends. How to pay for gas is another story. I still really want to learn how to drive, and I have for a long time. My dreams feel so much bigger than reality and this can be really heartbreaking and upsetting when they don't come true. Lately it's been emphasized in the form of a lot of things, and feeling this isolated and far away from what I 1, got really used to.... and far away from a place where I could connect with people or access social situations a lot quicker is really crushing to me in general. It's hard for a person as social as me to feel so.... rejected. Like nothing I say or do is interesting, or of any worth to anyone else, or anyTHING else.

I made peace with Ian a few nights ago. I sent him an e-mail apologizing for my over-reaction, letting him know that I had no hard feelings. No hatred. No crazy feelings in any other sense either. He responded with "you just drove me crazy, that's all, feel free to send me any writing or art though". I was on skype one night to see if anyone I connect with was there, and his name popped up. I wasn't really sure what to make of it, and he IMed me and we chatted. We forgave eachother, and it was over-all a very pleasant conversation, and I was hoping maybe I'd atleast make a friend through this peaceful interaction. My premonition is that he's already chasing after another girl, and I could honestly care less, but it'd be great for he and I to be friends. But I think he must fear even light-hearted interactions with me. It's too bad, because I think he'd be a great friend who could help push me in the right direction. Oh well, I guess. He also mentioned visiting me some time in the future.... I didn't respond to that, because honestly, I'm not even sure I want to see him at all. Whatever happened, I'm sure I'd emotionally be fine. But would he be? is this for some kind of romantic purpose? I don't know, he's weird. Whatever.
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lulz [24 Feb 2012|03:57am]
In the middle of an appointment with a case manager for DMH yesterday, a random fart noise came from my dad's blackberry. The tone of the conversation was very serious until this happened, and I was pretty much about to cry because the lady asked me to talk about my past and I hate even thinking about it lately, it causes a lot of un-wanted, un-neccessary emotional pain. I figure I'm already trying to work through these issues with my social worker by working on DBT and I don't need to go through my past of self harm, drug abuse, etc... it's not the most pleasant thing to talk about with someone I don't even know. Obviously she's trying to help me but I don't really want to talk about it with a stranger.

But when the fart noise came on, which was set as a ringtone, I immediately started cracking up, whilst my dad is trying really hard to be serious and cover it up, but laughing nervously and saying "oh dear" as if he actually farted. The lady had no idea how to react. She sort of nervously laughed too. Dark past, blah blah blah, *Loud fart sound*. I was like "come on, what are you so nervous about?". I figured it was some stupid thing my dad and brother did in their spare time together... a father son bonding experience... etc.... and that he had gotten it online or something, downloaded it. When the turmoil of the 20 questions from her was finally over and we were walking out of the building, I asked him about it, laughing. He told me he recorded it himself.... that it was him. I said "No way, dad!!". He said yes, laughing, a little embarassed, but very proud of his flatulent noises. It sounded FAKE because it was so loud and awkward... so I was really impressed. I told him I thought it was impressive and hilarious.... and that wasn't all. He also told me that he recorded like 7 of them.... by this point, I'm actually a little disturbed, but still cracking up. It seemed like something someone would do when they're high or drunk or whatever, like a teenager. He explained that my stepmom's brother, Ken, had an app on his iPhone where you could make farts your ringtone, that you had to pay for... and he was like "screw that, I'm going to make my own"....


Other than that I received really crappy news from them, but I'm going to hang out with two very fun oddball western mass friends of mine tomorrow and artisticly collaborate. Dan wants me to do his makeup (he's gay and I didn't know this when we went to highschool together until this past year when he decided he wants to be a girl), and Pete, who I haven't seen since I was 15, wants to do some music and take some photos and videos. He was always fun for that when I was a teen, though the fact that he was much older intimidated me. It doesn't anymore though and this interaction should go smoothly.

I don't like those moments where I realize I'm here. I feel trapped. But I also think in a sense I'm healing from some past trauma, and my mom is being pretty awesome about all of this... very patient, generous, etc. She hasn't complained about her boyfriend much either. She said she missed him, loved him, and wanted to marry him last week. It was really nice to hear her not feeling so broken up and sad/confused. She's also applying for grad school.

I looked at the synastry between my friend Dan and I tonight, and it's actually very positive, and I realized why we relate to eachother so well. Mostly both of us have strong self confidence issues relating to our fathers, and from meeting his dad last week, I can see why. I think he's feeling really low lately for some reason, but he didn't want to hang out this weekend. I miss him and I care a lot when he's not around, but I don't want to bog him down and make his problems worse. I'm really disoriented myself lately. I still need to rate my moods from 0-10... I also want to look through the packet she gave me.

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[21 Feb 2012|01:41pm]
I thought I heard my cat throwing up so I briefly flashed into the room to see him sitting there, blank faced, no vomit to be seen, so I went to my grandma's house and ate tuna inside of pumpkins from a straw in his honor, R.I.P, and he left a note on my door saying goodbye and I cried but then I got so high and saw that there were no more cans to be seen and as I arrived at the scene there was blood everywhere, like some kind of crazy horror movie weird kids watch when they want to be told a bedtime story and no one is there so instead I watch lifetime movies, it really takes the edge off. Dr. Phil just got his PhD in psychic ability and it was on the news this morning so I took a crap in my pants and Johnny stepped in it. Johnny was a real nice man. He would never hurt a fly with his fat fingers because the second he'd try they would turn into liquid. Oh, liquid love, those were the days. Now I'm sitting here with the aches and burns of an axe murderer who decided to let me go since I gave him a little $$$, but not without a fight! Fight or flight? get with the program, it's only 5 steps to recovery but not if you're a freakaleak with no sheets on your bed because you don't really have one. That bus really stunk up my whole trip with its gaseous matter clogging up my arteries when I was on my way to ghetto camp. I should really eat more wheat thins until they turn black like the soul train.
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[21 Feb 2012|01:39pm]
A few weeks ago I went to jupiter to listen to some trance music but the old lady sitting next to me brought her dog in heat, unpleasant tapping sounds coming from both ends of the spectrum, so it really opened up a can of worms and I had a revelation when I was slitting my wrists in the bathroom of St. Lutheran's church... you haven't really lived until you've lived, in any shapeless form fitting work tie. There's a wet spacebar somewhere in the bar but we haven't bothered looking into it yet, so I sat in the waiting room for a while, waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting, I hope you know what I'm talking about, it's a great old-time reference from grand ages, prime time. When he discovered I was a Cancer and he got a little bit worried and had to protect his children with rubber suits. I thought they looked like the chickens from the dream I had, or maybe the dinner I fed to my cat but he wasn't hungry so I gave it to Glerp the giant purplefish... he's a cannibal. Why can't the family eat a meal together like old times?
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[09 Feb 2012|11:03am]
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[09 Feb 2012|10:56am]
Right now I have basically two or three choices. 1, take care of my borderline friend, who I totally understand, but exhausts me because I'm dealing with the same exact thing and I don't know the answer for her relationship to get better because she really just needs to get out of it.... but it's never that easy, 2. be totally alone and isolated, because no one else seems to care, or 3, rely on my unreliable ex boyfriend who tells me he loves me one day and doesn't talk to me the next, and gets mad when I tell him to be straight up.... either stick around, or don't.

I thought things were gonna be okay. I thought things were gonna be perfect. I thought things were looking up instead of down. Instead, they look up, they look down again, they look up, they look down again.... and I get all of the blame for it but I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's my moods. People tell me it's my moods. But people will tell you a llot of things. People will feed you a lot of bullshit because they don't know the answer themselves. They'll say "I think you neeed to do this". You'll do it, and nothing good will come of it, or something even BAD will happen.

I want to tell him to go away but I don't really want him to go away. Am I honest with myself and dishonest to him (I'm really not happy) or honest with him and dishonest with myself? all I know is that if I were me, I'd be really confused by me.... wait, what? because I turn my phone off for several days at once and constantly hide away but it's all because of him. He probably doesn't know what to think about how I feel. I never e-mailed him like he told me to. I never picked up the phone to say Hi. He tells me not to be afraid to do these things but makes me feel afraid to even talk to him by needing so much god damn space all the time. Why the fuck should I do that if he doesn't do it? His absence makes me want to cut myself off from the entire world to prove a point.... no one really cares, it doesn't matter, why bother?
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[08 Feb 2012|03:18pm]
Thank god for being moody, again, and thank god for having an appetite, and thank god for DMH. They're going to help me get to school, have a place to live, and get some DBT. And thank god he doesn't hate me and think I'm psycho. Just as I was about to call him and screamm at him for ignoring me, he called me to say hello, and now I'm feeling really stupid. I told him I was about to write him off from my life because I thought he didn't care anymore. I told him I thought that I could die and he wouldn't care. I told him that everything killed me inside. He listened and didn't judge me. He said it wasn't true, and he's been really busy, and said all the things he's been doing, and asked where the F I was on fb, and got mad at me because he couldn't lurk me... lol. I'm still scared he's mad at me because I woke him up this morning by calling him (he slept through his alarm twice). I only let it ring once and he woke up and goes "stop messing with me". I was like "sorry, I was just trying to help" and then he goes "I gotta go" and pretty much just up and leaves.

I don't know if I can deal with it though, in the long-run. We speak of a future together (again) but I am over-thinking it recently. He says "I'm a sagittarius, I need my freedom and my space, but I still want you in my life"... but I'm a Cancer, I'm clingy, and I want you in my life every day! :(

This may be a tough choice I may have to make. Not sure where anything is going to go from here though....

I'm going to be living in a DMH-run mental health shelter pretty soon.... that should be interesting. Atleast it doesn't have ridiculous rules like the group homes I was living in, but there's still some structure, which is awesome. I hope I like it. But I can't get too comfortable anywhere, it seems. Especially with male counter-parts.... sigh.
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[06 Feb 2012|08:35am]
Oh my god… thank you god. I woke up today and I feel sane again. Thank god for being moody. I don’t feel like life is amazing, but I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t feel like hurting myself anymore. I’m okay. He’s distant enough from my mind where I can think straight and not go psycho. I don’t think I’ll be speaking to him again for a while. If he tries to plead with me again, he should know damn well that there’s a huge reason why I’m refusing contact. I don’t hate him, either, though. I just don’t care. What happens will happen, what doesn’t happen won’t happen, and whatever happens is for the best. If he doesn’t love me I don’t love him either. Oh my god this is amazing. This has to be a miracle. Thank you jesus. Thank you, good night’s sleep.

I had a dream, and this must be SO symbolic. I was at my old house, the one I lived in from when I was 4 to about 9. It’s a nice big house. I didn’t like it when I was a kid. In the dream he was there, in my mind, and I was desperate and he was looking the other way… I felt deep loss and rejection, and tempted to call him and tell him I was at my old house again, and to come check it out, because it was really cool and I thought he would like it (he has an appreciation for old houses and things like that). Ofcourse I never did that, even in the dream. I restrained myself. We had a huge fish tank, and I asked my mom where alll these crazy fish came from…. there were so many of them and they were wild colors, and when I put my fingers in the fish tank, the squid got attached to my fingers… and I was like WTF? and a little grossed out. Probably because last night I went out to a bar with my crazy greek housemate and it was very snooty and ritzy and he puked into his hand and put it on the table… so all these little disgusting things kept happening in my dream.

Here’s the symbolic part. I was in the bathroom and there was a trash can. But I had just moved so I diddn’t know why the same trash was still there. The trash can was full of nothing but empty perfume boxes… I have a ridiculous impulsive habit of buying cheap tacky girly perfume. I stared at the trash can and stared at all the perfume boxes and thought about all the times I wanted to smell all pretty for him. He always loved the way I smelled.

The symbolism is that everything is going to be okay. I’m still beautiful, I still have my crazy perfume collection, and all the empty boxes are in the trash. The trash can represented letting go of all the trash…. my staring at it for a while and it having some signifigance for me… well, that’s why.

I hope I stay feeling this way. It’s still a little bit hard to generally just let go of the situation and let it run its course. But atleast I’m not crying and wanting to die!!! and I don’t care if he doesn’t call me. I don’t care if he doesn’t text me. I’m going back home soon for a little while, and even though I’m going back to the same old isolation, there is hope that something can change. All my old friends will be there, and I can see them all whenever I want to! I still want to cry when I think about him moving to New York. Ofcourse he’s going to meet another girl. Ofcourse he’s going to fall in love with her. But there’s nothing I can do about any of this.
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drug of choice, sick obsession [05 Feb 2012|12:20pm]
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LOLCAT LIVES [05 Feb 2012|12:15pm]
I did an entire DJ set on soundcloud. www.soundcloud.com/users/tyrantdestroyed i think....

Now I'm sitting here with one of my housemates, and he's helping me record it onto CD, so I can then scratch them up (with turntables) and then record THAT!!!!! DJ Lolcat is happening.

Ian has made absolutely no effort to contact me in the past week since I saw him. It's been driving me absolutely insane. It's why I ended up in the hospital. He tells me everything's going to be okay, everything's going to be great, liked the picture I drew of us.... realized I could draw again... I put all of my recent art on facebook, which is REALLY GOOD by the way, and he normally "likes" it or whatever, because he's always been my number 1 supporter when it comes to art & pursuing dreams. The last time we saw eachother he brought over one of his own art projects... he's an artist too but he denies it, because he thinks being a musician is cooler. Or he just has no self confidence. Probably the latter. Katie, who I talk to every day now, has been telling me to forget him, to just move on, make him suffer. I already did that before, and I don't know what to do anymore to have any control over this situation. I went an entire month of denying contact when he told me he was crazy about me, needed me in his life, etc. He was struggling with his addiction, and as far as I know he's still sober.... but I sometimes woner in the back of my mind that the reason he's acting all fucking weird with me is becasue he's using again.... then again, I never had any reasons to have a problem with his using even when I lived with him. He took care of me. Always made sure we had food to eat. I can't get over him at all. I lived with him, living with someone is like being married.... that's really, really hard to shake when you're only 23 and you've never experienced this kind of closeness before. I want to fucking die. I've asked him so many timse, SO many times to just tell me exactly how he's feeling, tell me if he wants to end it so I can just fucking move on with my life and stop destroying myself. I started smoking again, and I spent my last money on cigarettes today, I was desperate. I was high as hell when the cops came to my door, which is why I let them take me in the ambulance. I was shitfaced a couple of nights ago and called him, crying, and we got into a fight, and he said something like (I can't really remember, I had been drinking since noon) "Where do you want to go with this, nowhere?" and I said "Nowhere" and hung up on him. I was CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUSHED and deeply regretted it and tried calling him back 5 minutes later, and he didn't pick up. So I finished a drawing I had started working on of us... it's really good... and I posted it on facebook. To my complete surprise (I thought he was completely done with me, and I was shitfaced and bawling my eyes out, and then I completely froze and couldn't say ANYTHING.... which isn't like me at all) he "liked" it. I texted him apologizing profusely, and the last thing I had said was "I hope you know how devoted to you I am" and he responded with "I know. Everything's going to be great." I don't know what the fuck that even means. How am I supposed to feel relaxed when he makes me so on edge all the time? I mean, he's said it before in attemps to calm me down from episodes when we were together.

Oh, and I lost my borderline book my dad gave me, because I threw it at one of the staff at the hospital, who was a REAL bitch.... giving me dirty looks ALL night because I was so angry to be there, stripped of everything, not allowed to do ANYTHING, and as soon as I was told I could leave, I frantically grabbed all my shit in a hurry and ran out the building to catch a cab. I WANTED to physically fight the EMT. I wanted to do something, ANYTHING, and they denied me of this, so they had to physically restrain me... it was awesome....
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[05 Feb 2012|11:55am]

I want to kill myself. This is me right now.
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[03 Feb 2012|01:24pm]
I had been cutting myself profusely until there was blood everywhere and had popped 4 ativan at once, and in a whim of desperation I called Ian and told him everything. I was crying and I told him I loved him. He replied "yeah?" and I said "yes". The "yeah" was confusion since I spent such a long time not speaking with him. But he told me he loved me too. There's no way he can't love me if he spent so much time obsessing over me. There's no way whatever is wrong with me, this illness, or whatever, is going to just go away. He's confused that I suddenly, after spending some time, just want to be by his side at all times. As we were on the phone and I was telling him I've been going back to my old habits (for the past 3 nights I had been overdosing on ativan and cutting and crying myself to sleep because I hadn't heard from him). I told him I wasn't sure and I was afraid and as I was telling him all of this I hear banging on my door. It's the police. They threatened to bang the door down and I told him "Do it, it would impress me" before I finally gave in and opened the door. They were like "let's get you out of here" and as Derrick, one of the men in charge here sat there, staring, like he was loving every second of this, I yelled "He's an abuser!" because it's true, he makes inappropriate sexual comments 24/7, attempts to control me, etc. They told me someone had called them and I then immediately knew exactly who it was. It was my "friend",a guy named Steve, a guy I haven't even known for a year. We've only hung out a few times. So this was just ridiculous to me. The cops told me to grab my things and come with them, so I sat in an amublance and they took me to Quincy Hospital. My lips were bleeding, I was nice to the EMT and told me they were saving my life, away from this hellhole. Unfortunately they sent me to an even worse hellhole where I was stripped down, was not allowed to use my cellphone or laptop, or even DRAW. I had a book, but it wasn't satisfying my interest at the moment. I wanted to do something, I was restless. How could they blame me after having such a night? I waited about a couple of hours, watching an angry chinese man fight with the EMT, swearing in chinese as they told him to strip down. Watched a man have one of the most horrifying panic attacks I'd ever seen. Watched a nice recovering heroin addict, my age, zone out to the TV, whiile a black kid was telling me "Every day is a new day!" as I was freaking out. I fought with the staff so they had to give me meds to calm me down. No loss here. They eventually did, then the social worker or whatever came to ask me questions and I got out of there. When I called Ian afterwards he told me my friend Steve had sent him an angry message, telling him to never speak to me again. Ian wasn't mad at the guy and didn't even message him back because he thought it was so ridiculous and immature. I'm no longer speaking to that guy. He forwarded me the message and it really was that bad.

I'm forced to move out of here by Thursday, stay a night with my dad, and then I'm going to be staying in Amherst. I am miserable.
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[29 Jan 2012|06:13am]
The one time I start to feel anything, ofcourse it's immense pain. Ofcourse it's heartbreak. Ofcourse I'm stupid enough to let it happen again. Ofcourse I obsess, freak out, and ofcourse I'm drenching my bed in tears, going absolutely insane with no outlet, no way to make myself better, no suggestions able to make me feel good again, no feelings of safety or warmth, just sitting in darknesss, tears just flowing out of me endlessly. I'm sitting in a fucking river. Alone. Again. I thought I was finally okay alone. I thought we'd be okay again. He's not using drugs anymore. I saw his good side. I cared, and let him back in. And this is what i get for caring. Scared. Fear. Wanting to bleed. I think I'm okay, I think I can fight this borderline, I think I'm in a better place... and now I feel worse than literally I've ever felt. I thought I let him back in for a reason. Maybe I did. Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing. He was so sweet to me. He told me it would all be okay. I can't do anything. I can't seem to do anything, or it always fails, backfires, and crushes me. I'm going to bleed again. Ofcourse. This is the sad story I always live in. That I always create because I don't know anything better. This crying isn't going to stop. People are going to ask me what's wrong, and it's going to be really awkward. I'm not going to want to say anything. I don't want help. I just want to feel better.
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I cannot wait for summer, I cannot wait for June [25 Jan 2012|02:32am]
Life is generally about hate and disturbance for a borderline, and imbalance of, in, and about pretty much everything. Relationships, friendships, family, you name it. Anything having to do with other people, there's a serious imbalance, pain, suffering, or just plain frustration. I've definitely REALLY noticed it recently. Like, REALLY. I don't even want to mention what happened to me today with one of the guys I'm living with. It seems like just walking around my own house is an open invitation for potential abuse. It's scary, but I try to shrug it off and tell myself it's nothing, that everyone is harmless. Because they've done really nice things for me. But I get myself put into some weird situations from people being nice to me. Which really sucks. Life shouldn't be like that. But I always get confused, because it's hard to be mean to someone who's always got a smile on their face, and willing to help you. When I help someone, or give them something, I expect nothing but their kindness in return. Even if they are mean to me afterwards, I eventually move on anyway. Why get butthurt about one person not liking you when you're a generally likeable person, and know that others will appreciate it?

I tend to attract people who kind of annoy me, and totally don't mean to. I also tend to annoy other people, constantly, without meaning to. IT's like god, is anything ever going to NOT frustrate me? and I've recently given up altogether on making effort with anything.
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[24 Jan 2012|04:25am]
And the "bonding with dad" Saga continues.

He sent me a text yesterday saying "Hey, check your e-mail, I bought us both a copy of this book and I want you to see it". I looked at the amazon link, and it was a book about Borderline, Buddhism, and Online Dating... LOL. So basically, he wants to read it with me. When I thanked him greatly, followed by "xoxo" he goes, "We can have our own little borderline book club!". LOL. It's great to feel close to him, especially in our weird messed up sense of humor...

I'm feeling a little bit torn when I really think about things, and the WAY that I think about things. I'm really starting to think about the way I think about things, and evaluate whether it's a good way to think or not. The end result may be positive, but right now it's somewhat of a struggle. Deep self analysis usually is.

Another reason I'm torn is because I've had this urge to create something pretty for weeks, and every time I try to focus on actually creating something pretty, my mind becomes paralyzed and my motor skills feel all fucked and all over the place and I feel completely powerless of any artistic skill whatsoever. I'd love to have some paints or something. But if I had paints I'd beat myself up for not having skill, lose the ability and/or creativity, and end up never using them. I think a good thing would be to maybe make some collages again. But I've got no paper OR magazines OR glue. FML. I should just travel from mental hospital to mental hospital, scrounging them all of their artistic resources... MUAHAHA!!!!

I walked around Quincy today and my heart was torn. I stupidly picked the worst time to walk around Quincy... 10 oclock PM. Lolz. It was packed with creepy old men lurking about the night, and drunk 20 something year old's standing outside of the countless amount of bars, smoking cigarettes. I was on a search for any store that could be open where I could get some grub-agrub.... nope. It crushed my heart. Stomach, too, since all I've eaten today is a veggie burger, some salad, a spinach pancake... and well, that's it. Such tasteless, dull food. I want something that tastes like something, because I've been so depressed that I can barely enjoy any of the food that I used to (Like those veggie burgers). It's causing me to go through intense amounts of food without giving a damn, or being able to enjoy it. Then when I'm all out (I'm running out of everything), I get to be extremely hungry and have nothing fun to eat. Fun!!

Music is another thing that's becoming really hard for me to enjoy. It's almost like a chore to put myself through listening to another ridiculous human being's "garbage art". Maybe this means I need to listen to "real" music? but I'm sure I wouldn't be able to enjoy that either, whatever it is. Music sucks. But it's kind of scary and weird and depressing to lose such a passion of mine. I'm even losing my desire to produce electronic music/DJ. THe passion is just gone. I wonder why...
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[23 Jan 2012|05:59am]
Seeing an ad on the side of the screen was a moment of awakening for me just now. It was a cellphone ad. On valentine's day, this average looking blonde woman texts her hubby "I ♥ U" and sends him a picture blowing a dampened kiss, mimicking the dry dampened tone of this cold, insensitive yawnsville we call "The way of the world". Because these two are so busy being miserably caught up in it, they have no time to give eachother "real" kisses followed by a "real" I love you. Sad but true, the happy ending is often behind bars.
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[21 Jan 2012|10:31pm]

well this is funny. i got the lj app for my android and it's not like i have anything profound to say but i mainly wanted to get it because no one uses livejournal anymore. i haven't used my laptop all day which is a huge accomplishment. i really don't want to chat with any of the 4 or 5 people who have been bugging me and bugging me and bugging me to become my old self again and hang out with them. i'm just not interested. and i can't change the way i feel just to make other people happy. that's one thing I'm really noticing about myself. it's annoying when people think you're selfish for that. or for self analysis. maybe i don't know myself as well as other people do and need more time to figure it out and why is that such a big fucking deal? and who knows...by the time that i do stop feeling this way, i may still have no interest in seeing these people again. are they gonna take it personally? totally. who the hell even understands this feeling? no one. sometimes people change. i tend to change and fluctuate a lot and i see nothing wrong with that. it would be nice to always just safely part ways with everyone you want to part ways with...but someone's feelings aaaaalways gets hurt and i find that extremely stressful. i can't always be everyone's shoulder to cry on especially at such a pivotal time where i just need some peace and quiet. it seems like whenever i feel this way is when eeeeeeveryone comes out of the woodworks to tell me i am being selfish and to stop isolating. well you know what? they can go fuck themselves. anyone who doesn't understand my need for space clearly has no business being my friend anyway. people always want to restrict others of oxygen. that isn't what friendship or love is..putting someone in a box...telling them what to do, playing a creepy parental role, always asking what you're doing. that's MY business. mothafuckas...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

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